Ups & Downs of Love
by Raye-chan
Summary: Usagi has a secret, one that she really should tell Him, but keeps putting off. Her life is on a roll-a-coster that seems to be on a one way ticket down. Question is, can it go up as well?
1. Default Chapter

I do not own Sailor Moon or Gundam Wing, but I do own this story idea… So yeah…. Enjoy ok?

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Prologue

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Usagi glanced up from the small round table she was sitting at that was adorned with two candles, which had burnt low, a white table cloth and two untouched plates of cold roast lamb and vegetables. A fork hung limply from her right hand, a piece of carrot that she had been toying with perched on the top. Her normally cheerful face was set in a downcast expression and her eyes were brimming with tears. "W-w-why didn't y-you call?" She questioned with a quivering voice, as she looked her husband in the eye.

"Hnn" was her answer, as he strode across the room and down the hall, presumably to change.

The tears finally spilled out of Usagi's eyes as her hand clenched the fork tightly turning an ashen white. _'Why are you being so cold Heero?'_ she wondered as she put a hand protectively over her belly, _'All I wanted to do was have a quite dinner with you and tell you the good news… Instead I end up waiting for over two hours for you to come home, and you don't even bother ringing to say you'll be late! I know you have an important job, but does that mean that you have to totally ignore me when ever there's a mission of some sort?'_

Sighing, Usagi got up off her chair, and wiped her tears resolutely away with a napkin, before proceeding to clear up the uneaten dinner. She'd been so proud of the roast too, it was the first time she hadn't burnt it or undercooked it… Sure Makoto had been there to make sure she did everything right, but that wasn't the point! The meal had been specially prepared by her and he hadn't even had the grace to come home for it…

Glancing forlornly at the dishwasher as if it held the answer to her questions she asked, "What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve being treated like nothing?" Before she shook her head and walked towards the bathroom to brush her teeth.

Usagi opened the bedroom door, and looked questionably in. Her eyes opened in shock as she noticed Heero sitting on the edge of the bed, starring at his hands as if they belonged to some sort of monster. His eyes had a glazed and faraway look to them and his mouth was moving, but no sound was coming out. 

Usagi watched him from the door, as he sat unmoving for by her best judgment well over five minutes, as she opened the door wider to admit herself, he shook his head slightly and looked up, his troubled prussion eyes meeting her sad cerulean ones, before she crossed the open space between them and sat behind him on the bed, her slender arms engulfing him in a reassuring hug. 

"Usa, what have I done?" Heero questioned her as he once more looked down at his hands. "I keep seeing that mans face the look of shock that came over it when I shot him, and I can't help but wonder if he had a family that's now grieving for him, a loving wife? A caring child?"

"Shhhh.." Usagi whispered into his ear, silently deciding it was a good thing that she had not told him her fabulous news, it might have tipped him over the edge… "You did what was needed, after all that man did try to poison Miss Relena, and he was wanted for six counts of murder, seven if you count his nearly successful shot at Relena."

"I know.." Heero sighed as he leaned into her, seeking her warmth and comfort, "But it doesn't make what I did right…" he trailed off as he felt Usagi placed a tender kiss on his cheek.

"No it doesn't, but your actions were a lot more justified than his." She soothed as she felt him relax slightly, "Come on go clean yourself up a bit and I'll reheat your dinner for you okay?" Heero nodded slightly as he got up and headed for the bathroom, leaving Usagi alone with her thoughts. _'Maybe I am being too hard on him, his job requies him to be totally emotionless, but I wish he would spend more time in the present than past. More time living, not grieving… less time at work too'_

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So how'd you guys like my new idea? You have to tell me!! Also if any one is interested in continuing my first version of Tears I give tham full permission to and will happily send them everything I have written, as I know some people will not like the revised version and would rather see an end to the original, so if your interested let me know ok?

Ja ne, 

Raye-chan


	2. Time to Talk

**Chapter One **

Usagi stared hard at the picture of herself and friends, trying hard to discern where it had started to go wrong. It wasn't that she was unhappy, it was just, just… oh she didn't know! She just seemed so far away from that happy carefree girl of sixteen she had been in the photo, pulling a face and giving Rei finger ears for the camera. It was like she had a flame inside that had dimmed and was now flickering frantically trying to stay alight. She felt she had only so long to change her ways, find a way to make her smile again before it was lost forever. But smiling was not an option. Not with the current events drenching her life.

And then there was Heero. Caring, abrasive, lovably shutoff, Heero. It was like the four years they had spent together had never happened. He barely glanced at her when he came home from work; no longer was she able to run to him as he walked in their house and hug him like there was no tomorrow, followed by a tender kiss; instead when she tried it last Tuesday he had coldly and mechanically removed her slender arms from around his frame and continued on his way to the bedroom, which he consequently shut and locked the door of.

Now a week later it had only gotten worse. She no longer bothered to look up when she heard the click of the front lock being turned, afraid to see Heero's facial expression in case it showed disdain at her or disgust. The only phrase she could manage to get him to communicate with now was 'Hnn' just like when they'd met after the war ended. But it seemed colder now, more cut off, because she had seen the love he was capable of shine in his eyes on their Wedding Day, the day he asked her to marry him, and the first time he'd asked her out. It cut her deep to see how easily he could drop her from his life and re-become the 'Perfect Soldier'

Drying her tears with a clean tissue, Usagi put the photo album back in its place on the shelf and turned to the kitchen bench, searching for a note pad and pen. Scribbling a message on it she picked up a duffel bag and headed out the door.

A twenty-minute drive had her reach her parents house, the house she'd grown up in and felt safe and secure inside. Sniffing a little she walked to the front door and rung the bell. As the door opened a half hearted smile appeared on her face as she saw her mum standing there waving her trusty spatula.

"Usagi?" her mother questioned.

Usagi looked at her mother and blinked a few times before clinging to her tightly and collapsing into sobs of anguish and wailing. "He doesn't love me! I just know he doesn't! He won't even look at me mum, he hates me. If he doesn't love me then how can I ever tell him about our child? I can't bring it up without a father, but I can't spend another night feeling alone and unloved…"

A shocked frown came fleetingly to Ikuko's face, before she shook her head and ushered her hysterical daughter through the front door. Her own anger and frustration could wait, right now her daughter needed a comforting hug and cry, then she could find out the full story. Hopefully before Kenji came home and could start his "I was right and you were wrong speech" about "that Boy" as he had labelled Heero.

"… and that's why I'd like to stay here the night, if that's okay with you?" Usagi asked her mother an hour later.

"Usagi, of course that's fine, but won't Heero be worried?"

"I think not, but I did leave him a note just in case. He knows where to find me if he wishes…" Usagi whispered, biting her lip to prevent the tears starting once again.

Ikuko looked at her emotionally wrecked daughter, and swallowed hastily the questions that had been on the tip of her tongue. It wasn't the time or place to ask them, after a good nights sleep and a sense of clarity had returned to her chibi-usa then she would ask, but only then. Right now though she had to think up a plausible excuse so that Kenji would not be suspicious of his little girl spending the night at their house with no notice. But then, that shouldn't be too hard considering Usagi's husband's occupation…

**&&&**

"So, Heero what's up? You look a hell of a lot grumpier than you usually do." Duo queried as he sat in the chair next to his 'best friend' and proceeded to wait for the debriefing to begin. "Care to tell your ol' buddy Duo here?"

"Hnn"

"Geez, a bit touchy on that are we? No matter, I'm sure I can guess what it is anyway. All I have to do is ask Usagi!" he replied cheerily pointing a finger into the air to emphasise his brilliance and expertise in getting around his friend.

"Hnn"

"Oh come on, a week or so ago you would've at least chuckled at my remarks and said a very cold good morning, now all you say is 'Hnn' have you gone back to your one word vocabulary again? Man, I bet Usa is at her wits ends if you have!" Duo gave a little laugh at the mental image of petite little Usagi, Heero's wife, going cherry red as Heero greeted her 'Hello dears' with his gruff barely perceptible grunt of 'Hnn' when in a bad mood or his tilts of the head. Then again perhaps his memory was exaggerating, after all Heero was definitely not a stoic, otherwise he would not have laughed maniacally when first killing the Oz soldiers all those years ago when the war first brought them into its clutches. Besides if he was a stoic, then why on earth had he married Usagi, the furthest away from a stoic a person could ever get? After all she wore her heart on her sleeve, and showed emotion at every point of her life.

Heero turned and glared at Duo, he didn't need those questions, not from him, not now. He was having enough problems as is, what with Doctor J giving him that new mission of infiltrating the colonies under cover and seeing if they really were producing weapons again. But that wasn't the worst thing, not by a long shot, he was still trying to find a way of dealing with his other problem and really didn't want to share it with bright, bubbly, exuberant Duo, he was too much like her and it hurt to be around him. Still something would have to be done so that he didn't hurt her anymore.

He had hurt her though. That night she'd cooked the dinner and waited patiently for over two hours for him to come home without once trying his beeper. But then she wouldn't have tried that anyway, for fear of giving him away whilst on a job. Still that didn't change the fact that because of his job he was not able to spend the quality time he knew he should with her, nor that at anytime she could be left stranded and alone, as he was unfortunately killed whilst carrying out some new order from Doctor J or one of the heads of the Preventers. Some 'Husband' he was. Never home, always working or as had happened the other night, so lost in past or current replays of the horrible killings and missions he had completed that all he was capable of was leaning into her embrace and drawing comfort from her, when it should be him comforting her.

So he'd shut down a little, well at first it was only a little, but now he could no longer deny that he'd gone back to how he was through the war. He didn't mean to hurt her, it was just easier to kill and massacre with his comrades when he was unable to feel anything afterwards. But being the 'Perfect Soldier' again had its consequences, one of those being that he had shut off the one thing that meant the world to him. His Usagi. But if he showed his heart to her, then he would again be at the mercy of his emotions on the battle ground, and he could not be sure that he wouldn't break down half way through a mission and leave everyone else stranded. That left him really having no choice but to shut her out. He knew she'd understand, but still it hurt.

"Heero, Heero, earth to Heero…."

Looking up, Heero frowned at Duo, as he waved his hand in front of his eyes in a frantic manner. "Hnn"

**&&&**

Usagi looked up at the clock in the living room, its hands dancing lightly about its face, seeming to mock her and her foolishness. The time winking at her eyes repeatedly. Seven o'clock. If it was a good day, Heero would be arriving home now, and she was starting to feel guilt lashing at her soul for just leaving their house in such a frivolous manner earlier. Maybe she should go home, if she was lucky she could still arrive before him and dispose of that incriminating note…

No. She had to stand her ground, she couldn't go back like a faithful dog, he had to come to her. He needed to admit that he needed her in his life, she wasn't able to do that for him. It was up to him. Nodding her head stubbornly, Usagi rose from the chair and headed up the stairs to her old room, she needed some where to think, and she couldn't do that with her parents' chatter ringing constantly in her ears.

Opening her door, she smiled fondly at the room that hadn't changed so much as a covering for the bed. Everything was just as she'd left it, the pale pink walls, dark blue bedspread with moons and stars adorning it and the beanbag dropped haphazardly in the center. The only things missing had been her and Luna, but now she was here and Luna wasn't. When she'd found that she had just wanted a normal life, Luna had let her go, choosing to live with Minako and Artemis. But she had said that one day she would return for the Princess. But she hadn't specified for what reason, still she would do anything right now just to hear Luna criticising her and being there to cuddle up to. But wishes were vain things, things that could never be granted right and always brought sadness when answered.

Shaking her head, Usagi walked over to her bed and burrowed under the covers, breathing in the smell of her mothers washing powder and taking comfort from the pleasant scent. She had to be strong, if he loved her like she thought, he would come for her and brush away her uncertainties in a single stroke of the paintbrush. But he had to come of his own will, not obligation.

Sighing she burrowed further into the covers cupping protective hands around her belly. Sleep, that's what she needed, to sleep off all her worries.

**&&&**

It had been a long debriefing. Mostly on events and various syndicates that they had already known about, still that hadn't stopped Lt. Une from prattling on. Sighing, he unlocked the door and walked into his home. He stopped a few steps in and let his eyes wander around the room, taking in the empty atmosphere and drawn curtains. For once the bench top in the kitchen was immaculate, no scraps of food or half-eaten meals left anywhere.

Silently he moved down the hallway, making the transition from relaxed to soldier in mere seconds. Something wasn't right. It was almost as if his wife hadn't been here at all today, and that was strange, as her breakfast dishes tended to stay on the bench top for the day. Coming to the bedroom he lent against the wall and craned his head to peek around the doorframe. Empty. It was devoid of life as well, but stranger still was that the bed had been left unmade. Usagi may not have been the neatest person or the most motivated around the house, but she always made sure the bedroom at least was clean and tidy, like it was some sort of security blanket. It was always kept in mint condition, not a whisker out of place. He wasn't sure why this room was held above all others, but seeing it in such disarray was unnerving.

Forgetting about stealth and practicality, he hurried back to the living room, intent on discovering something he had missed earlier. But there was nothing there, no sign of a struggle, nothing that wasn't usually in such a state. Running his hand through his chocolate brown locks in frustration he returned to the kitchen to grab a drink. Pulling the jug from the fridge he froze as his eyes landed on a slip of white paper. The icy water was slowly turning his hand numb, but he couldn't seem to move. Couldn't take his eyes off that little piece of paper, with _her_ writing scrawled across it in neat lines. This was what he had been searching for, he knew this prose would contain the answer to his questions, but he wasn't sure if he could bring himself to read it. For all his bravado on the battlefield and in covert missions later, he wasn't sure if he had the guts to read this seemingly innocent note. Instincts told him it was most likely something he didn't want to hear, but he knew he had to read it, he had to know where his Usagi had gone. Setting the jug down on the bench top, he walked over to the note and picked it up, his eyes scanning it and rescanning, hoping that he'd read it wrong, unfortunately the contents didn't change on the second reading, nor the third. She'd gone.

The question was why? She had given a reason in the note, but he knew it wasn't the real tar marring the diamond. She was hiding something, trying to protect him, but from what? What did she not want him knowing? It had to be something important, as she wasn't secretive by nature, no Usa was as open to him as a book. Always open, never locked tight, but now she was. And that worried him more than he'd like to admit, even to her. Sighing in frustration and glancing skittishly between the piece of scented paper and the door he came to a decision, he just prayed that she wouldn't be too upset…

Heero stared at the front door, afraid to ring the doorbell in case her rage filled father answered the door. He'd rather face Oz's forces three times over than have another nasty encounter with Kenji when he'd done something to harm Daddy's Girl, hard to imagine but he could actually land a decent punch when in that state of mind. But he had to see her. His feelings towards her, even though hidden, would have it no other way, he might be able to hide in stoicism for a little while, but she would always bring him out of it, and now was not a time to be selfish, she was hurting and needed his comfort, which he had been to self-absorbed to see the signs of earlier. But still, it was better late than never, right?

**&&&**

She couldn't sleep. Her turbulent mind wouldn't let her. She could see him there, his face showing confusion and indecision, so unlike his usual visage, that calmness of expression with the slight smirk tilting his right side up crookedly. And his smile, that lovely half-crooked smile, that was what first caught her attention. He was always so self-assured and then that day when he'd asked to borrow her pen as his had run out was the first time she'd seen that captivating part of him. She'd never seen him smile before, and so she payed closer attention to him and his group of four friends. The one with the braid, Duo she found out his name was later, seemed to be the only other person who saw the smile she had. And so she was hooked, line and sinker, still was.

But now the fisherman that had caught her was causing her so much grief and guilt, and she couldn't handle it, she was cracking under the pressure, what ever decision she made over this issue their child would have to live with, and how could she be sure that the decision she made would be the right one? How could she possible play God on this growing beings' life? Was it right for her to even think of doing so? Shouldn't Heero have a say as well? But then he didn't know, so should she tell him and risk him closing off even more? And what about what she wanted? She hadn't asked to be pregnant, in fact she'd taken extreme measures to ensure that it wouldn't happen. But she just had to be the unlucky one-percent, didn't she! No, if asked she certainly wouldn't have put being a mother on the top of her to do list, all she really wanted was to have what was back and be successful in her Counselling group she headed on eating disorders for teens caught in the trap of societies view on 'thin is beautiful.' No, 'mother' definitely was not top priority.

That didn't mean she wasn't happy to be with child, it just wasn't what she had wanted at the age of twenty-two. No she'd planned on having kids at around twenty-five, twenty-two was just that little bit too young in her opinion, not enough maturity, at least not for her. And well, she knew Heero wasn't really a father figure man, in fact he'd as much as said that he didn't really want children when they'd talked of getting married. He wasn't against them or anything, but he felt he couldn't be a good father due to experiences, and well, she'd accepted that at the time knowing that when they were both ready that they would broach the subject again, but not this soon, not a year into their marriage - this unfortunate event could destroy things even more that the disastrous state they were in now. But even if that was the case and their marriage went down the drain due to it, she knew that her conscience wouldn't let her abort, it was something she knew she would never resort to, even if her child definitely had a serious disease.

She smiled slightly and shook her head, she could here Luna now, "Usagi, you silly flippant girl, you'll just have to make the best you can of the situation. Tell Heero, he's an understanding man, and as much as he doesn't want children, you know he'll make a wonderful father and accept the present situation. He may be able to kill a guilty man but he would never suggest you go for an abortion and you know it. So stop putting the inevitable off due to his shutting down and tell him. You never know, it might be what he needs to see the light…" yes, that would be what Luna would say. Always knowing what was best, that's what she missed about her Luna. And she knew the Luna inside her head was right, she'd go home in the morning, whether he came for her or not, and when he arrived home she would let the mine-shell explode on his unsuspecting person and hopefully not maim him beyond repair.

**&&&**

He had to face the music, even if it was off key. So with the intention of standing passively through Kenji's abusive rage, he rang the doorbell, not caring that at one in the morning most respectful people were abed, all that his mind was thinking of was having his beautiful Usagi standing before him again. To be even more precise it was the only rational thought his mind was capable of in the state it was in.

A light went on inside, and stumbling footsteps were discernible as some one walked sleepily to the door. It opened to reveal a barely awake Kenji rubbing sleep out of his eyes and yawning tiredly. He looked at Heero questionable with a raised brow. "What are you doing here? Ikuko said you were out of the country til tomorrow and that Usa was staying with us whilst you were away."

Heero laughed nervously and scratched his head, sending a mental note to his brain to remember to thank Ikuko for having spared him a fare bit of explaining time. "I got back early and came to see my wife, unless you'd prefer me to return tomorrow?"

"No, I understand the romantics of young love young man, I do remember being twenty-four and just married too, you know. She's in her room, just promise next time to come at a more respectable hour, this one time I shall let slide…"

Heero dipped his head slightly out of respect and walked calmly into his Usagi's childhood home. Mounting the stairs he let a small smile adorn his face, thinking of his wife asleep, her small form curled up into the covers of her bed, hands tucked inside and hair framing her body. He could remember asking her why she slept like that. Her answer was funny, apparently when twelve she'd seen some horror movie without her parents knowing, where some man had cut off peoples limbs hanging from their bed when they slept. Since then she'd slept with as much of her that she could under the covers in fear that he was a real breathing part of nature. He shook his head in amusement, even now that story made him laugh, imagine being scared of a fictional being, how could she be so silly?

Coming to her door, he knocked lightly before opening it quietly and entering. Her back was to him, snuggled deeply into her covers. To him she appeared as an Angel, one that in reasoning he probably had no right to even look upon, let alone touch. She would be easy, in many people's views, to taint. But she accepted him, even in his stoic form, and with all the blood on his hands that would never fade, she was the only one who could see but also make him forget that red stain.

She sat up and turned around at the sound of his gentle footsteps on the carpeted floor. He gasped, and stood rooted to the spot, shocked at the tearstains trailing down her pale face and the tears still falling. She shook her head slightly and rose from the bed, looking at him with a slight frown, which Heero knew he was the cause of. She said no words as she walked towards him, but then she didn't have to. Silently Heero opened his arms, pulling her harshly to his chest as she buried her head against him, breathing in his scent. "I'm sorry…"

Usagi let the words hang silently in the air, before moving her head to look in his eyes. "Shh" she whispered placing a hand to his chest and a raised finger to his lips, "I don't need a 'sorry' from you. The fact that you are here is good enough for me." _And our child_.

Heero gave her one of his rare smiles, before leaning down to kiss her lightly on the lips, the reason he was there and the question needing to be asked forgotten for the time being.

**&&&**

Heero looked at his wife chatting politely with Relena on the growing concern of teens with obesity and eating disorders. Seventy-five percent of the worlds population was now recorded as being either over or underweight and it was an issue currently receiving major publicity from the media. Still, there was something giving her an added shine lately, and it was on high beam right now. He had a nagging suspicion that it had something to do with what she was hiding from him and he wasn't sure if he really wanted to find out what it was. Still in time she would tell him.

Grabbing two glasses of champagne from a passing buss boy, he walked over to his wife and friend. "Drink?"

Usagi looked at the glass in her husbands' hand longingly, but knew she couldn't. It might hurt her precious burden. So she hadn't told him yet, should she have? Okay she should, but after the other night she hadn't wanted to face the possibility of being lost and unsure again, so she'd resolved to tell him the next day, and then the next and well, she kept putting it off, but she couldn't ignore his ignorance any longer. "I can't" was all she said taking the glass and passing it to Relena. Relena looked at her friend, her brows raised in silent question. Usagi nodded.

"Why not?" Heero questioned. Usa never turned down a drink, especially champagne, it was her favourite.

"I think we better go somewhere private to talk Heero…"

**&&&**

So, I know it took me ages to update this, and I'm really, really sorry. I sorta put this ficcy on hold until I worked out how to say what I needed to, but now I've finished it and worked it all out, and this is it. So what did you think of it? Let me know, please. Criticism and constructive reviews welcomed, just no 'update soon as I love it' as they don't help authors at all and to be perfectly frank, are a pain in the hiny. The review button is their so you can give your thoughts and offer advice, not give useless remarks, just remember that!

Raye-chan


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